Thursday, November 17, 2005

Brief reflection on a bad day

A little girl I have never even known has been on my mind all day today as I watched her mother suffer with the details of her loss, feeling like I wanted to do as much as I could to support her, but knowing there was nothing. Following this, I was so distracted by my thoughts that I bumped into the back of another car. Fortunately, the person I struck was so kind and seeing how upset I was, let it go. I think I almost got in an accident two more times as I tried to get home. I got myself home and phoned my friend/manager, telling her I needed the rest of the day. I managed to eat my way through the fridge for a bit and just sat then, thinking of nothing and everything all at once. Thinking of how selfish I feel that I feel so upset when I never even knew this child. Thinking about my guilt of every little thing I complain about when I know I have one of the strongest support networks (albeit, they’re thousands of miles away) a person could possibly have; and then feeling guilty for making it about me. I actually had that fleeting thought I get sometimes that it would be nice to have a man around, at least for someone to cuddle up on the couch with- just wanting that contact in this quiet house that seems large enough to envelop me when I am alone in it. But I resolved that feeling with a very long bath and Sigur Ross. I have discovered Sigur Ross’ new one is also a perfectly emotionally evocative album for those days when you can’t think straight but can’t stop thinking.

1 comment:

Julia said...

Hang in there! You're showing me (BSW student) how tough child welfare social work can be and how it isn't so easy to "leave it all at the office".

Don't beat yourself up -- social work burns people out because its nature is so intimately woven with other people's lives.

I am glad that you have a good network and also that your boss lets you have some time off.

I think it is easier to leave things behind if you have a really busy home life, right? Like if there are two cats, a husband, a dog and three kids -- it would be easier to forget about work. It would be difficult to forget about work in a quiet house. Maybe you need a buffer between work and home -- I try to use the gym (don't always get there)!

Hope you get to fly home to the USA for the holidays.