Thursday, November 17, 2005
Brief reflection on a bad day
A little girl I have never even known has been on my mind all day today as I watched her mother suffer with the details of her loss, feeling like I wanted to do as much as I could to support her, but knowing there was nothing. Following this, I was so distracted by my thoughts that I bumped into the back of another car. Fortunately, the person I struck was so kind and seeing how upset I was, let it go. I think I almost got in an accident two more times as I tried to get home. I got myself home and phoned my friend/manager, telling her I needed the rest of the day. I managed to eat my way through the fridge for a bit and just sat then, thinking of nothing and everything all at once. Thinking of how selfish I feel that I feel so upset when I never even knew this child. Thinking about my guilt of every little thing I complain about when I know I have one of the strongest support networks (albeit, they’re thousands of miles away) a person could possibly have; and then feeling guilty for making it about me. I actually had that fleeting thought I get sometimes that it would be nice to have a man around, at least for someone to cuddle up on the couch with- just wanting that contact in this quiet house that seems large enough to envelop me when I am alone in it. But I resolved that feeling with a very long bath and Sigur Ross. I have discovered Sigur Ross’ new one is also a perfectly emotionally evocative album for those days when you can’t think straight but can’t stop thinking.