Saturday, October 18, 2008

Get over it!

Lately I have been suffering from an excessive bout of irrational jealously. Being a self-proclaimed social scientist and therapist, I should know how to deal with irrational thoughts. I do know how to deal with irrational thoughts. I am utilizing cognitive-behavioral interventions with clients all the time. But, I'm still an average human- not the super human counselor with a magic wand (that some parents expect me to be). Whether by my own doing or the fact that I used to attract jerks- likely a combination of the two- I think my relationship history poisoned my ability to have complete faith in my current healthy relationship. Don't confuse the word faith- I have nothing but faith and trust in my partner, our relationship and our future. I have never been more sure of anything in my life. Really, it's my own insecurities that get in my way. But, I can't help but freak out sometimes, completely without reason, regarding our pasts and how they may impact us now. It's been made very clear to me that they don't impact us. Sure, everyone's past impacts them and has some influence on who they are in the present. But the past is just that. Any one or any thing that may have effected me or others negatively in the past is done, and will never be a part of what's here and what's to come. What I have now is an amazing present and exciting future. I am the happiest I have ever been in my life and know it will only excel, which is what I must remind myself when these irrational thoughts attempt to creep in.

I read up a little on this, knowing there is some scientific evidence to this. It helps to know you are not the only one, right? Perhaps part of the catalyst for this rant. The Oxford English Dictionary relates the meaning of jealously to a belief in the presence of having a "rival." It is interesting that many people struggle with their partner's pasts. I think particularly those past relationships that were significant in emotional involvement or in the dramas that may have ensued, we tend to pinpoint those as rivals we need to compete with in order to vie for our lover's continued attention. This is, of course, ridiculous. If you know your partner and have an honest loving relationship, you should feel confident that any past persons will play no role in your current relationship or your future together. There is actually a psychological reference to extreme jealously of this sort, often dubbed "Othello Syndrome" for obvious reasons. Really though, those who reach such a significant level of jealously that it damages their relationships and interferes with their daily lives are likely suffering from other significant psychological difficulties, particularly tendencies toward anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder. Luckily, I don't suffer from these issues at a level that I would allow any natural human sense of jealously to create a schism in my relationship. I would hope that anyone that did, would seek social or therapeutic support, as it is a form of anxiety that could be very toxic.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Links and stuff

So apparently I lost all my lovely links when I changed my blog template. For the best I suppose, I wanted to update them anyways. I will be adding some new ones when I have a chance, as well as other updates and posts.

Monday, October 13, 2008

An update via some rambling

Hello to my friends across the pond and any others that may read this. I am thinking, if anyone at all looks at this any more, it is a few folks I left behind in jolly old England in order to see what I am up to. Well clearly, coming on almost two years back now, I have not done well at keeping you informed. So, an update. A ramble, more likely. Hopefully the start of reinvigorating this blog. I doubt it will be the photo diary it once was, given I've had a harder time with the photos lately. But, more a chance for me to get some thoughts on a page- somewhere other than my head where I often tend to store them for too long.

So, since my last update a lot has changed in my life. I am still in the job I acquired when I returned home, but feeling more and more disenchanted by the day. I still find resilience and cope with the stress of my job through the slightest tokens of success I rarely receive from the kids and families I work with. I find though that it is getting harder and harder to put up with the lack of accountability that individuals take for their own choices and actions. Maybe I am becoming a better social worker without even realizing it. Perhaps my frustration will allow me to better empower people, rather than enable them to feel sorry for their predicaments, without instigating any change. I am up for my license soon, assuming (fingers crossed) there is no difficulty posed with my England hours on my application. I can't seem to bring myself to study for the test. I think Luke is right, I need to get approved to take it and sign up for the exam. Then I will have a tangible goal to study for. Right now it just seems to be floating out there- something I know I will accomplish soon, within the year, but can't seem to buckle down on it just yet.

Outside the professional realm, I am happier than I have ever been. I have met a wonderful guy (that dude Luke I mentioned above) who I will be marrying next year. It's wild to think a year ago I was trying to plan my life, sans male partner, thinking that I would never really be able to find someone I could put up with day in and day out, and who could put up with me. But, I would venture to say we put up with each other quite well. When I come home upset from the chaos of my job some days, he is able to use humor, affection and compassion to ground me and remind me of everything I have that is great. He's also able to put up with my irrational jealously and silliness that we girls tend to express. Come on girls, I know I am not the only one. But again, he is able to make me laugh and get past my silly stuff- my best friend and the person that knows me best.

Otherwise, the aspects of life are the same. My friends around me are growing and developing their own families and personal niches. My brother and sister in law continue to have the cutest kids around (in addition to my future additional niece, of course). My parents are living happily in Florida among the rest of the extended family. Meanwhile, I continue to enjoy my life here in Indy with-cliche as it sounds- a wonderful future ahead of us and will always be the social worker in a constant strange land.