The latest in tangential venting

I’m no apprentice of Jungian Dream Analysis, but I like to think as a social worker and reasonably insightful human being that I can interpret the basic gist of my dreams. Lately they have been more frequent, vivid, and disturbing. Perhaps that’s why I am feeling so tired lately. Or perhaps it’s the combination of those dreams with what’s been happening in my waking life.

Things have been stressful in my occupational life and the world of finances. The two things that we have to deal with most often and the two things that most often suck. Fortunately, I have a wonderful home life with a great partner a dog and now cat (who in his first 24 hours in his new home, refuses to come out from hiding). I have a wonderful close network of family and friends to help me feel supported and needed. That’s what I have to keep leaning on lately, to survive those other two whoppers- dealing with the kiddos and dealing with the bills. The bills are what they are. We’ll get through that and we do. I just can’t go out three to four times a week like I used to. Which is for the best, because my brain and liver can’t handle that very well any more either. Plus, being a newly non smoker, I am coming to despise the smell of smoke amidst a crowded bar mostly filled with people searching for what I’ve already got waiting for me at home.

Work, however, is becoming quite the drain. Back to the dreams- last night I had a dream about a little girl I have been working with all school year. She is a fairly disturbed little girl, for lack of a more supportive term. She is perhaps, I think definitely, the most complicated and difficult individual I have ever worked with or encountered. She is 7. This little girl will send chills to your core with her screams when she has been pushed to that point (which takes very litte). Last night I dreamt I was trying to get her to a safe place, but she kept eluding me. I was struggling to find her in a crowded school. Then she was on a street and I couldn’t get her into the car I was in; then the car drove away from her.

I dream about my work multiple times a week. Does it mean I am commited to the job I am doing, or am I on a path to being committed (in an institution)? I work in a public school, but over the past year it has begun to feel more like an intensive residential psychiatric unit. I have a hard time actually seeing kids for therapy, what I am meant to do, because I am constantly putting out fires or babysitting kids that have been kicked out of their class. There are other components to the consistent crises in the environment. We are approaching spring. . . Spring Break, then summer. This is the time when teachers start to stress. To add to their stress, many of them are wondering if they will have a stable job next year. Our school is closing at the end of this year due to ever increasing community changes and budget cuts.

I keep telling myself that I will just make it through the end of the year. That next year will be better. I will be at a new school with air conditioning and no mice crawling on my desk! I already work at that school one day a week and know there are some good teachers there. But, there are the what if changes. What if there is a new principal and I have some of the issues I have had this year or worse? What if the Medicaid changes looming restrict me to just doing therapy and not being able to be in the class with kids, engage and work with teachers, etc. I am not an outpatient therapist. Never have been, never will be. I have learned some skills and lessons in the last two years of my current job and for many reasons I am not ready to leave it any time soon. But perhaps I should consider it for my sanity. Perhaps I should get back to studying the LCSW exam so I can pass and move on to a higher level and/or better job (with better pay) . . . .

Ah, the joy of working with professionals that know how to communicate

I have been really struggling with my job to the point that apathy was starting to get in the way of my quality of service. In social work, there are always ebbs and flows of challenging times that make it difficult to want to come to work and do the job well, but recent months have been especially difficult. In this academic school year, the school I primarily work at has obtained a new principal and new support staff. I was optimistic that we would after a short period be able to redevelop a working team, but this has not occurred. Perhaps I have been spoiled in the past or perhaps I am still a little naive regardless of my experiences. But, I feel as though I went from a healthy working team to a team that is non existent.

Recently I have been made aware one professional I work with daily experiences misunderstandings and inappropriate judgements which are directed at me. This is no surprise, given the way she communicates with me. And although I feel I am always tactful, I refuse to accept someone's statements if I know they are not fact. I am confident in my skills in direct practice and in my history of positive working relationships with other professionals, that I know I have not been inappropriate. In order to continue maintaining an appropriate level of communication, I choose avoidance. This isn't really all that healthy and does nothing for the daily anxiety I now experience going to work and dealing with confrontational situations on a regular basis.

But yesterday, I was reminded that the work I have put forth in my local community is recognized, and there is everlasting value to my work ethic and how I put it into practice each day. I engaged in a meeting with other professionals who came together as a proactive team, for the benefit of the child in question who hasn't had his needs met in the past. I was also encouraged for my efforts with this child. It's not that I need constant praise, but it is necessary for everyone to have occasional recognition of their efforts in order to have an increased validation in what they do. That's just human nature that everyone needs positive encouragement. It also propelled me to reflect on the issues I have had in working relationships recently. I reminded myself of my own capacities, my strong rapport with most of the teachers in the school and the relationships I have with my kiddos.

I know the rest of this year is going to continue to be difficult. It seems unavoidable given certain constraints and the impending closure of the school after this year. But, I also have reminded myself by leaving the work day yesterday feeling proactive and influential in assisting my kids, that I have an important and special job to do. I am getting better at it all the time, and rather than bail because I am getting my first-likely not last- taste of a toxic professional, I need to stick this out. I need to be with my kids when their school closes in May and assist them to transition on. If I can make it through this year, I will be able to move on to another school location, where I already spend one day a week. There I will have the support of an awesome team, air conditioned classrooms, and more wonderful teachers to work with. I think as much as I bitch sometimes, I belong in the schools. I love these kids and believe with the right support, the power of a positive education will do so much for them. I just need to keep reminding myself of that on the tough days. . . .