The latest in tangential venting

I’m no apprentice of Jungian Dream Analysis, but I like to think as a social worker and reasonably insightful human being that I can interpret the basic gist of my dreams. Lately they have been more frequent, vivid, and disturbing. Perhaps that’s why I am feeling so tired lately. Or perhaps it’s the combination of those dreams with what’s been happening in my waking life.

Things have been stressful in my occupational life and the world of finances. The two things that we have to deal with most often and the two things that most often suck. Fortunately, I have a wonderful home life with a great partner a dog and now cat (who in his first 24 hours in his new home, refuses to come out from hiding). I have a wonderful close network of family and friends to help me feel supported and needed. That’s what I have to keep leaning on lately, to survive those other two whoppers- dealing with the kiddos and dealing with the bills. The bills are what they are. We’ll get through that and we do. I just can’t go out three to four times a week like I used to. Which is for the best, because my brain and liver can’t handle that very well any more either. Plus, being a newly non smoker, I am coming to despise the smell of smoke amidst a crowded bar mostly filled with people searching for what I’ve already got waiting for me at home.

Work, however, is becoming quite the drain. Back to the dreams- last night I had a dream about a little girl I have been working with all school year. She is a fairly disturbed little girl, for lack of a more supportive term. She is perhaps, I think definitely, the most complicated and difficult individual I have ever worked with or encountered. She is 7. This little girl will send chills to your core with her screams when she has been pushed to that point (which takes very litte). Last night I dreamt I was trying to get her to a safe place, but she kept eluding me. I was struggling to find her in a crowded school. Then she was on a street and I couldn’t get her into the car I was in; then the car drove away from her.

I dream about my work multiple times a week. Does it mean I am commited to the job I am doing, or am I on a path to being committed (in an institution)? I work in a public school, but over the past year it has begun to feel more like an intensive residential psychiatric unit. I have a hard time actually seeing kids for therapy, what I am meant to do, because I am constantly putting out fires or babysitting kids that have been kicked out of their class. There are other components to the consistent crises in the environment. We are approaching spring. . . Spring Break, then summer. This is the time when teachers start to stress. To add to their stress, many of them are wondering if they will have a stable job next year. Our school is closing at the end of this year due to ever increasing community changes and budget cuts.

I keep telling myself that I will just make it through the end of the year. That next year will be better. I will be at a new school with air conditioning and no mice crawling on my desk! I already work at that school one day a week and know there are some good teachers there. But, there are the what if changes. What if there is a new principal and I have some of the issues I have had this year or worse? What if the Medicaid changes looming restrict me to just doing therapy and not being able to be in the class with kids, engage and work with teachers, etc. I am not an outpatient therapist. Never have been, never will be. I have learned some skills and lessons in the last two years of my current job and for many reasons I am not ready to leave it any time soon. But perhaps I should consider it for my sanity. Perhaps I should get back to studying the LCSW exam so I can pass and move on to a higher level and/or better job (with better pay) . . . .

Reflections on how I spend my time (reflections with too much time off sick)

Fortunately, Luke has been off or not working at the times I have been home sick most of this week, so he's been around to keep me company and allow for a moderate level of my whining and attention seeking. I've got some bad sinus infection/cold thing that has also been accompanied by lovely intermittent bouts of nausea. But, while he's at work, I once again allowed myself to be magnetized to the computer, searching various wedding ideas and engaging in useless activities such as facebook fishing games. I did come across a great website in my wed idea search however. I love the woman who writes, I believe, most of the entries and have enjoyed reading her thoughts and suggestions not only on the wedding hoopla, but also on other policital, social and environmental matters.

I especially like the worst wedding advice she shares as she comes across, and her list of what is actually important. I concur with all of them. While I am very excited about our big wedding and the lovely location it will be at, I've reminded myself in all this sick reflection that we still have 8-9 months until that day. Although, we've joked today that if we went ahead and got married down at the county clerk's office, we could get Luke health benefits. I am most excited now about how we will write our ceremony so that it is personal to us. I know it will be beautiful and elaborate, in many traditional ways, but it will also be ours and very untraditional in that we plan to ensure we express ourselves and who we are, as opposed to what is expected. Now that all the major venue and vendor needs are settled, I can pull myself back (really, I can!) and enjoy the daily happiness I have in our home together. Or, until my mom arrives in January for dress shopping. . .

In the meantime, I intend to refocus my free time. I may be looking for a part time job to supplement our tight income, but for now I need to regain focus on studying and passing the LCSW exam once and for all, as well as contributing something more than what I do outside my job. I know it's post the big vote, but I don't think it is ever too little too late to become involved in politics, so I have signed up with some of the local politicians I support to start engaging more in the process. I also am seeking out environmental organizations that I can offer volunteer support to. I need to do something a little different from what I do at the schools each day, but also feel like I could and should be doing more than what I do with my kids Monday through Friday. Now, if I could just afford to take the LCSW exam . . . that is really the next step. I guess that's where the second job comes in.

Perhaps stuffing and casseroles should be made more than twice a year

Happy post Thanksgiving everyone. Luke's parents were here with us for the holidays. It was my first time cooking the meal for family (my only other Thanksgiving hosting experience being when Bri and I were in England for all our Brit friends). I think everyone is in agreement it was a successful holiday. We had a good time with each other's company and all my food was good. Too good, I think. I'm not sure if it is the excess of eating, the wine or coffee, but I am still in recovery from all the tasty treats had yesterday. In my family, dishes like stuffing, broccoli casserole and other dishes drenched in butter, are only served at Thanksgiving or Christmas. Perhaps we need to change that. Maybe if we had more moderate indulgence of these delightful dishes more than twice a year, we wouldn't be so eager to gorge ourselve at the holidays. But, I suppose that is the fun of it- making the feast a rare treat. Plus, with our attempted running regimine, I don't think I could handle eating like that and getting up in the morning to run. I know I won't be running today.

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday as we did. I missed my family in Florida but had a lot of fun with Luke and my future in-laws here. I'd probably be in even more pain today if I had celebrated with my family!

Get over it!

Lately I have been suffering from an excessive bout of irrational jealously. Being a self-proclaimed social scientist and therapist, I should know how to deal with irrational thoughts. I do know how to deal with irrational thoughts. I am utilizing cognitive-behavioral interventions with clients all the time. But, I'm still an average human- not the super human counselor with a magic wand (that some parents expect me to be). Whether by my own doing or the fact that I used to attract jerks- likely a combination of the two- I think my relationship history poisoned my ability to have complete faith in my current healthy relationship. Don't confuse the word faith- I have nothing but faith and trust in my partner, our relationship and our future. I have never been more sure of anything in my life. Really, it's my own insecurities that get in my way. But, I can't help but freak out sometimes, completely without reason, regarding our pasts and how they may impact us now. It's been made very clear to me that they don't impact us. Sure, everyone's past impacts them and has some influence on who they are in the present. But the past is just that. Any one or any thing that may have effected me or others negatively in the past is done, and will never be a part of what's here and what's to come. What I have now is an amazing present and exciting future. I am the happiest I have ever been in my life and know it will only excel, which is what I must remind myself when these irrational thoughts attempt to creep in.

I read up a little on this, knowing there is some scientific evidence to this. It helps to know you are not the only one, right? Perhaps part of the catalyst for this rant. The Oxford English Dictionary relates the meaning of jealously to a belief in the presence of having a "rival." It is interesting that many people struggle with their partner's pasts. I think particularly those past relationships that were significant in emotional involvement or in the dramas that may have ensued, we tend to pinpoint those as rivals we need to compete with in order to vie for our lover's continued attention. This is, of course, ridiculous. If you know your partner and have an honest loving relationship, you should feel confident that any past persons will play no role in your current relationship or your future together. There is actually a psychological reference to extreme jealously of this sort, often dubbed "Othello Syndrome" for obvious reasons. Really though, those who reach such a significant level of jealously that it damages their relationships and interferes with their daily lives are likely suffering from other significant psychological difficulties, particularly tendencies toward anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder. Luckily, I don't suffer from these issues at a level that I would allow any natural human sense of jealously to create a schism in my relationship. I would hope that anyone that did, would seek social or therapeutic support, as it is a form of anxiety that could be very toxic.

Links and stuff

So apparently I lost all my lovely links when I changed my blog template. For the best I suppose, I wanted to update them anyways. I will be adding some new ones when I have a chance, as well as other updates and posts.

An update via some rambling

Hello to my friends across the pond and any others that may read this. I am thinking, if anyone at all looks at this any more, it is a few folks I left behind in jolly old England in order to see what I am up to. Well clearly, coming on almost two years back now, I have not done well at keeping you informed. So, an update. A ramble, more likely. Hopefully the start of reinvigorating this blog. I doubt it will be the photo diary it once was, given I've had a harder time with the photos lately. But, more a chance for me to get some thoughts on a page- somewhere other than my head where I often tend to store them for too long.


So, since my last update a lot has changed in my life. I am still in the job I acquired when I returned home, but feeling more and more disenchanted by the day. I still find resilience and cope with the stress of my job through the slightest tokens of success I rarely receive from the kids and families I work with. I find though that it is getting harder and harder to put up with the lack of accountability that individuals take for their own choices and actions. Maybe I am becoming a better social worker without even realizing it. Perhaps my frustration will allow me to better empower people, rather than enable them to feel sorry for their predicaments, without instigating any change. I am up for my license soon, assuming (fingers crossed) there is no difficulty posed with my England hours on my application. I can't seem to bring myself to study for the test. I think Luke is right, I need to get approved to take it and sign up for the exam. Then I will have a tangible goal to study for. Right now it just seems to be floating out there- something I know I will accomplish soon, within the year, but can't seem to buckle down on it just yet.


Outside the professional realm, I am happier than I have ever been. I have met a wonderful guy (that dude Luke I mentioned above) who I will be marrying next year. It's wild to think a year ago I was trying to plan my life, sans male partner, thinking that I would never really be able to find someone I could put up with day in and day out, and who could put up with me. But, I would venture to say we put up with each other quite well. When I come home upset from the chaos of my job some days, he is able to use humor, affection and compassion to ground me and remind me of everything I have that is great. He's also able to put up with my irrational jealously and silliness that we girls tend to express. Come on girls, I know I am not the only one. But again, he is able to make me laugh and get past my silly stuff- my best friend and the person that knows me best.


Otherwise, the aspects of life are the same. My friends around me are growing and developing their own families and personal niches. My brother and sister in law continue to have the cutest kids around (in addition to my future additional niece, of course). My parents are living happily in Florida among the rest of the extended family. Meanwhile, I continue to enjoy my life here in Indy with-cliche as it sounds- a wonderful future ahead of us and will always be the social worker in a constant strange land.

One year on

I realized as I touched down in Orlando last night and the pilot welcomed the locals (sort of me) home, I was doing the exact same thing almost exactly one year ago (December 19) when I returned home for good from England. That flight was a lot different. I am sure most neighboring passengers thought something was very wrong with me as I was crying on and off from the time I boarded in Brum to the time I touched down in Orlando. . . and then some. It was a really hard decision to come back to the United States. Although I still question it to this day, mostly because I loved my life and my friends there (and the easy access to travel elsewhere. . . .oh yeah and the Real Ales. . . ), I am very happy to be home. I am happy to be able to say this is home for me again, because I didn't feel like I had a home anywhere when I left for England in January 2005.




As the quote headlining my Strange Land Blog somewhat reflects, it sometimes takes stepping away, whether that be physically or metaphorically, to realize where your heart is at and what you want out of life. I have managed to settle in nicely back in Indy, better than I ever thought I would. I have some people to thank for that- some that have been friends for years, others that have been friends in the past but our relationship has seemed to evolved to something much stronger to the point I consider them family, and a couple others that have just come into my life this year but I consider a critical component to my life. These connections are especially important to me as I now have no family per se in the Midwest, but have great people I feel I can rely on for support when it is needed. I was lucky to have connections through some of those friendships that have led to a job I love perhaps more than any job I've had in the past and have settled into a home with it's quirks but character. As well as Nia, who also has her quirks but character ;-) and is a soothing comfort on lonely nights in a big house.




There are still a lot of things to be accomplished, some I won't be able to do on my own, but I feel good about this chapter and heading into the New Year very broke (new house, car, dog and all that) but happy and incredibly fortunate and grateful for the amazing experiences I have had so far in my life, the people that have influenced me, and the people that continue to do so.




Happy Christmas Everyone!

Getting Settled . . .

I've been home for about 10 months now from England. In that time I've already been to Florida four times, Chicago a few times, Memphis twice and had three of my closest friends from England visit me. I've got a new job, new car (newest I've ever had), bought a house and adopted a dog. Does this mean I'm growing up? I'm still not all that good at balancing a checkbook and still stay up to late on school nights (i.e., right now). My parents moved to Florida last month so now I am residing back in Indy but with no family. Well, that is not completely true. I have an "urban family" here, as I like to call them, that I don't know what I would do without. Besides, I've done the living somewhere with knowing no one for up to about three months so I suppose I can handle the fact that I'll just have to visit Florida even more now.






With all the wonderful travels and experiences I have had throughout my life, I've got to consider myself pretty damn lucky. I'm often reminded of that with the families that I work with. Sitting on a front porch with a mom and son this afternoon as they tell me about the guys racing by in their truck and how they'll be shooting guns in the neighborhood after dark. I've got absolutely nothing to be complaining about! I'm feeling happy here- most days. I think the days I don't are just part of the normal evolution in the pursuit of happiness we all go through. . . seeking out whatever goals we may still want for ourselves but always seeming slightly out of reach.






I do miss my UK home and all you folks there. I was hearing a lot that everyone has been asking about this blog and what I have been up to. So here you go. . . . there's multiple pages worth of photos spanning from mid-January up to this past weekend. It's not as ridden with witty dialogue as in the past but I'll work on that. Now that I have spent an exorbitant amount of time getting up-to-date tonight I hope to keep it updated regularly again for ya'll. This evening was kind of nostalgic of sitting at my computer at Gospel End in Sedgley while Bri stood in the kitchen and ate cake out of the pan with a fork. :-) I'm also writing again some essay/short story stuff but more in my head and not so much on paper. I may start putting some of that up if I'm feeling up to it.




Much love to you all! xoxo lis, your favorite American West Midlander-Midwesterner.