A clarification

And maybe a little bit of an apology . . . I apologize for perhaps not being clear and seeming a little passive aggressive, reactionary and anti-feminist.

I am not anti-feminist. By all accounts I am feminist because I believe in the core values of feminism. I, of course, believe in advocating for equal opportunities for women, just as much as any other category of human beings. I would be a strange social worker to not. I was just trying to vent some of the pressures I feel. I hate to label it as guilt, but after a long discussion with my partner, that is what it appears to be (to others, per his perspective after reading my blog). I do not think I feel guilty, but I do get reactive at times about others who I think are trying to make me feel guilty for the personal choices I make. . . okay, so yes, I feel guilty. Perhaps my last entry was a passive aggressive response to that guilt.

Part of it, specifically when it comes to the question of a name change, is that I struggle myself with the decision. Yes, I know the idea of a woman changing her last name at marriage is ingrained historically in patriarchal views of ownership. The things I have read about the history of changing a woman's surname at marriage is actually quite disturbing- for "protection" of family and wealth and "acknowledgement of God's endorsement in the marriage." Yikes. We live in a fairly egalitarian, non religious household so those do not fit us at all.

For me though, the idea of possibly changing my name is not about the scary patriarchal ownership of a woman and her possessions and children. It clearly isn't about God. It's about joining in a partnership with the person I am going to spend the rest of my life with. I like the idea of sharing the same name as symbol of that partnership, not of ownership. Luke knows in a million years he could never "own" me. I think we need to remember that history is the past, things evolve. Traditions may remain throughout culture and time, but they change and evolve into new meanings. People as individuals attribute their own meanings to traditions, to make it of import to them.

So, I guess, without veering off on another passive aggressive train wreck, I just want to say that I support all feminists. I support all people that promote change and equality for any individual. You know that with my stance on gay marriage, my philosophies as a social worker, and other ways in which I try to live life as an advocate for women, as well as other genders, races, backgrounds. I wholeheartedly believe in the core values of these philosophies and will speak against any one that denies individual rights. I just don't want to be made to feel guilty because I may make a personal decision to do something that has patriarchal roots.

There it is again . . . guilt. Luke was right.

He says I should stop over thinking it. I should just flip a coin. I've got three more months to decide . . .

Reflections on the pressures of how to have a wedding

I am home sick today, so I am taking some of my down time to clean out my starred items in G-Reader. I subscribe to way too many blogs and at times I star things because I want to save them for later (like the beau coup recipes I have loaded on there), don't have time to read them but want to, or I want to reflect and comment on them. Many of these involve thoughts about weddings, the wedding industry, and feminism in regards to weddings/getting married.

I have never identified myself as a feminist, personally or to others. I believe in the essential principals of those who announce themselves as feminists believe, but I have always felt partly by societal views of feminism and partly by how far some women take it, it gets a little too extreme for my taste. I also often feel judged, by friends and strangers alike, because perhaps I am not feminist enough. Or, it is not okay that I am considering taking Luke's last name as my own when we get married. Or, that I am totally cool with our gendered roles in the household. Because, dude, Luke cannot cook.

I was pretty pleased with how I defined what feminism is to me at a recent ladies night one of my gal pals hosted. I said that it shouldn't be about asserting yourself to show you can fill a typical male role just as well as a man, but that you should be comfortable and confident to do what you want and be who you are, whatever that means to you. When feminism begins to make women feel bad because they like their engagement ring, they want to have the same name, and they wouldn't mind so much if it was financially feasible to stay at home and devote attention to the kids, that's when I get irritated and I think the purpose of feminism is defeated.

Aren't we just making life harder on each other by criticizing personal choices? I understand labeling the whole name change thing as patriarchal, but what's wrong with just liking the idea of having the same last name as my partner. Luke has left that decision totally up to me. I think he even would like me to keep my name, just because it's so damn cool, but I am undecided on that one. I actually wish he had an opinion, that might make it a little easier for me. I am trying to convince him we should both take my name- because it is so much cooler- but I think he's worried that would rock the paternal boat a little too much.

Then there is the dress issue. Apparently even a somewhat traditional dress is wrong even if its ivory, not white. I am stoked about my dress. It's not too puffy, it flatters my big ass and suits my quirky style of classic/offbeat/vintage. Plus I will have funky blue shoes if I can find some, does that count? And as for my engagement ring- when we first started talking engagement, I suggested a simple ring with a sapphire. Cheaper, blue (our favorite color) and his birthstone. But he went and surprised me with something a bit more sparkly. How could I refuse that?

I realize I am being a little melodramatic, but being a few months away from getting married and subscribing to perhaps too many blogs (wedding and non wedding related), I feel inundated by opinions that if you are not offbeat enough or non traditional enough, you are not okay. It's actually these feminist and non traditional folks at times that have made me feel more uncomfortable about our wedding decisions than the traditional wedding industry. Because, as Luke would say, "We do what we likes and we likes what we do." We won't include anything just because some one tells us we have to. That's why I have tried to consolidate the blog roll and keep it to writers I appreciate and respect, such as Sara at 2000 Dollar Budget Wedding, Meg at A Practical Wedding, and Ariel at Offbeat Bride, among a few others. That although some may feel things like favors are ridiculous, for others there is a practicality or special meaning and value behind them. As Meg says in this post, "If instead, we strive to create a wedding that reflects who we are and what we value, we will, without trying, create details that will form an indelible impression in our guests minds, details that will be a gift."

I really did not think I would ever meet someone I was compatible with enough to marry and think I could commit to spending the rest of my life with him. I found in Luke a partner who understands, appreciates and supports me better than anyone I have ever known. I am lucky to have the legal opportunity to bind our commitment in marriage. I know that my friends who are homosexual would not want me to abstain from celebrating that opportunity because they can't yet. I definitely have had some moments of getting caught up in the wedding industry. In fact, if I had it to do over again I may have tried to find us a simpler outdoor venue than the one we have. (It's hard being atheists and trying to find a place to have a whole wedding event outside, harder than one might think.)

But, in the end, we will have a wedding outside, we will hopefully have many people that love us there to celebrate with us, the details of our ceremony and reception will speak to who we are, we will have fans that some might consider favors (but, damn it, it will be hot out there!), and you know my side of the family. . . we value a kick ass party. So it should hopefully be a good time had by all.

I think what all pending brides, those who may judge us for being too traditional or not traditional enough need to keep in mind are these mantras:
(from 2000 Dollar Budget Bride)

1. No matter what happens, we'll still be married in the end.
2. Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter.
3. A wedding is about community, connection, commitment, and fun--not ________ [insert any number of trivial and inconsequential items that the Wedding Industrial Complex claims are absolutely essential].
4. Our relationship/marriage is more important than our wedding.
   

Exhaustion

I am so exhausted. Just let me whine for a minute. . . I am not sure if it is allergies, a cold, the slight sunburn from my volunteering outside yesterday, work burn out, or if I am still recovering from the (too much) fun we had at the Stutz Gallery Open House Friday night, but I am exhausted.

I think I could go to bed right now.

Maybe it's the swine flu. Kidding.

Showers

I can empathise with the apathy surrounding a traditional bridal shower. Given we have no bridal party, we also have no expectations about showers, bachelor or bachelorette parties. I have had a few friends ask and I am not quite sure how to respond to any of them. I definitely don't want anything traditional in the way of girls sitting around while I open a bunch of gifts. Boring. I also don't want themed parties that involve home sales such as cooking gear, candles or tupperware. Annoying and boring. I wouldn't mind just having a party to celebrate, but isn't that what are reception will be? Just not sure we need to be in on the whole shower thing. Maybe I'll host a green bottle party this summer. . . I need green bottles for my recycled vase project.

Child actor safety and welfare

It looks like the makers of Slumdog Millonaire were a bit wiser and empathetic, or perhaps just learned from the mistakes of the Kite Runner makers.

Cute table numbers

We've debated about including Nia in the wedding. I think in the end it would be more of a hassle than it is worth. But, I am digging these table numbers. Maybe mix it up a little more, but what a cute way to include her and make some very visible and eclectic table signs.

My social work life

I have had lots of moments in the past few weeks again where I am writing all sorts of commentary in my head about my work life- things I would like to post. Such as the fact that the Medicaid cuts are now affecting hospitalizations of kids seriously at risk and threatening to kill others, the fact that I had to watch a kid with RAD who was really just reacting to her triggers get arrested last week, or the fact that I am working with a mom who was doubling up on medication prescribed to her child (and I wonder if maybe taking some for herself). But I just can't write at length about any of these things. They are weighing me down enough. I am seriously getting burnt out at my lack of progress with so many kids and families.

But, today was different. Today was a day that I was reminded why I do what I do and that eventually, things can improve. That was essentially the same pep talk I got from an older, wiser, more experienced colleague a few weeks ago. A person I respect very much. I think she is aware I am feeling like I have hit a wall. My school is closing. I work with ten year olds being initiated into gangs. I have chronic families whose kids do not improve because their parents cannot make changes for themselves. I have school staff pointing fingers and wondering why my magic wand is not working.

But today I got a little of what my colleague was talking about in her pep talk. It may take time and you may feel like you are repeating yourself, but in time you see a positive change for these children. It can be any combination of things- the parents change how they manage the situation, a bad influence exits the stage, the medication prescribed seems to work in the way it supposed to to manage symptoms, what we say actually resonates with the child. . . that spark is created that motivates real change. The case manager I supervise has provided most of the interventions for a child we work with. I child I see so much intelligence and heart in, but a child who became increasingly frustrating because it felt like nothing reached him. In the past week, he has gotten positive notes at almost every end of the day from his teacher, he is coming to me to talk about concerns he has for his sister (also a client of mine) and her peer difficulties, he is open and seeks support and "breaks" when he feels his trap doors being opened. I am not sure what has sparked or changed. I am afraid to ask him for fear of jinxing it or something. This is the kid I thought was headed for the gang Murder Squad 13. But he is coming into his own as the insightful, thoughtful individual I have always known him to be but feared was slipping away. I like to think the work we have done has finally helped him get here. Mainly, the work my CM at the school has done with him. I hope it lasts.

Little birdies

I was pretty anti-cake topper. We've got a yummy lemon cake planned. And that's all that matters right, the taste. Well, maybe a little bit is presentation. I even labored over the strawberry lemon cake I made just for me and Luke the other day (it turned out lopsided, but I still made sure the strawberry slices looked pretty). I have always hated traditional cake toppers and the ones I had seen were silly cliches of the man and wife, wife dragging groom to be married, all ridiculous. But I thought these guys were pretty cute, so now we'll have a cake topper.


Now I am into the bird thing. Trying to keep it outdoorsy, natural, and DIY as much decor as I can, I am thinking about making birds with all my new clay tools. Maybe place card holders- ceramic birds. . . a 150 of them? That probably won't happen. But I might experiment a little with some simple forms like these:

Mmm, fresh rosemary

I've got a random chicken concoction baking in the oven right now with loads of fresh rosemary. I bought it at the grocery, but the gorgeous smell has me so tempted to get that garden started this weekend. I need to be growing my own fresh herbs and some of the veggies we use so often. They are too expensive in the stores and it would be so wonderful to say it came from our yard. I am thinking I may pick a few plants up at Locally Grown this weekend.

Em, you ready?

The cat

I mentioned the cat when we got her in February. After hiding out in her "sanctuary" for a couple weeks, she came out of seculsion, but only really to socialize with Nia. They are like two little love birds. Well, actually, I think Nermal loves Nia. Nia just puts up with it. Poor Nia. We have been using her to get the cat near us. If Nia is sitting with us, the cat will usually join. Nermal has gradually let us pet her more, but she still remains aloof. I've never had a cat that exerts such stereotypical independence. Nia is still the favored pet, even though she has recently again taken to chewing on unlawful items (such as raw steak and our Farkle game).

Nermal at about 9 weeks


Nia and Nermal recently, cuddling up together